Blog-Off II Entry: You've got a friend...or do you?

 

All this discussion about the amazing nature of social media has made me reconsider the true meaning of friendship.  I think Facebook may be fooling us all by holding out a Utopian possibility: What once was lost can be found again.  There's a problem with that. The heaven of our collective past may be destroyed in our very reaching for it.  

Facebook is just as often an eraser of memory.  Baseball great Carlton Fisk was quoted saying he watched the videotape of his famous World Series home run only a couple of times, lest it re-write his own memory of the event.  Mementos, snapshots, reunions, and now Facebook—aren’t they all methods of amnesia?  Perhaps, the past should stay in our hearts, where it belongs.

Social-networking sites may actually falsify our understanding of intimacy, and with it, our understanding of ourselves. The ridiculous idea that a Facebook/MySpace profile or "25 Random Things About Me" can tell us more about someone than a good friend should already know is based on three ideas: First, that intimacy is confessional. Second, that identity is in information (the name of your cat, your favorite Beatle, the dumbest thing you did in the sixth grade). Third, that everything is reducible to information on sites interested in eliciting consumer preferences.

Forget that we're all conducting market research on ourselves. Far worse is that Facebook intensifies our tendency to see ourselves this way.  (“I just became a fan of Nike! I think you should, too.”)  We wear T-shirts proclaiming brand loyalty, pride ourselves on owning an iPhone and a Mac, and put out lists of our favorite songs. "15 movies in 15 minutes. Rule: Don't take too long to think about it."

Just call out my name...and you know wherever I am, I'll come running
Information is replacing experience, as it has throughout centuries of our culture. But when I think about my friends, what makes them who they are, and why I genuinely love them, it is not the names of their siblings that come to mind, or their favorite bands from the 80s. It is their quality of character.  To understand who they are, you have to hear about the things they've done. Character revealed through action equals narrative.  In order to know people, you have to listen to their stories.

That is the one thing Facebook has no room for, and 300 friends, definitely don't have time for. Literally, there is no space.  E-mail trimmed the letter down to an acceptable maximum. Now, with Facebook, the box has shrunk so much further. (And we all know the deal on Twitter.)  

Gone are the 10-page letters and three-hour conversations.  That was our space for telling stories, something that cannot be accomplished in less time or space.  Posting information on social sites is a lot like porn - just a slick, impersonal exhibition that no longer satisfies after awhile.  On the other hand, exchanging stories was more like having sex: probing, questing, questioning, caressing. It was mutual. It was intimate. It took patience, devotion, sensitivity, subtlety, skill—and it taught those qualities, too.  

Must we connect in only superficial ways?
They call it social-networking for a reason. Networking once meant something specific: climbing the ladder of professional contacts in order to advance one's career.  Modern society did not eliminate the self-interested aspect of "winning friends and influencing people," it just changed the way we do it.  In the age of the digital entrepreneur, even our closest relationships are pressed onto a template.  Actual human contact has been rendered "unusual." 

Have we truly given our hearts to the machines.  Is this the face of friendship today?

Comments

[Kenneth]

Wow, you really made me think today. What is an online-only friendship, really? Sometimes the sense of a connection is all you get. It's better than no connection at all. Nice post - insightful...interesting.

[Elizabeth Thomas]

I couldn't agree with you more, Bob.

[Bob Lochte]

You can stay in touch with people whom you probably wouldn't see that often. You also have the option of just monitoring and not participating. But with real friends, social media is not and never will be a substitute for getting together.

[Elizabeth Thomas]

I am thrilled at the thoughtful, intriguing responses this post has generated. It's important that we are looking at this...talking and thinking about how social media affects our relationships. Each person responding has made excellent points.

Janet: I agree wholeheartedly. I, too, have moved and changed a lot through the years and the one thing I love most about Facebook is that it allowed me to re-connect with people from (literally) every stage of my past. I am a fan for Facebook in many ways, but think talking about this is important, especially for the generation growing up today. I only hope that they will still have time and space in their lives for lasting, strong and meaningful friendships.

Laurie - I understand. I am also happy to hear "what's new" from so many people I would not otherwise know about if not for Facebook. I get where you are coming from.

Glynn: Well said - succinct and to the point. I agree. Social media is a great way to strengthen weak ties, but the jury is still out on its effect on our stronger ties.

[Janet Barclay]

Very thought-provoking, Elizabeth. Having made quite a few moves, both career-wise and geographically, between leaving school and settling in Hamilton 20 years ago, I often lamented the number of friends I'd lost touch with along the way. Through Facebook, I've reconnected with people from just about every facet of my former existence, and it feels good. I'd rather have what you call a superficial connection than wonder what ever became of all those people.

On the business side, I don't find Facebook valuable for marketing so much as a way to get to know more about my business contacts, not necessarily things I need to know, but that show that they do have another side to their lives.

As to pokes, Farmville, and other such silly time-wasters, I try to just ignore them. (Just don't take away my Scrabble!)

[laurie]

Elizabeth,
Another great post.

I find my facebook rounds out my knowledge of my corporate friends. I do see pictures of the kids and know when someone is having a bad day. Its not profound in its contact but for me, I stoke the fire of friendship among people I don't get to see very often. I feel a closer connection to those on facebook - however short.

I also *hate* the phone from my very early call centre days as a student.

Laurie.

[Glynn Mangold]

I think social media increases the number of weak ties, but I am not sure it does much to either strengthen or increase the number of strong ties. How's that for a cold academic answer to a heart-felt blog post?

[Elizabeth Thomas]

Darlene: It's so nice to hear from others who've noticed all the silly stuff on facebook. I used to feel bad if I didn't respond to all the Farmtown, YoVille, Smiley Face, sending hearts, and so many other goofy applications. Then, I realized that every time you give in to those requests, you give away a little bit of your privacy to some company...Now, I can ignore it happily.

I do have some great friends that I keep up with on Facebook, mostly through regular messages...it's just another way of sending email.

I appreciate your support of my writing...I'm hoping one of these days it will pay off.

[Darlene Sabella]

Elizabeth, this is how I feel about facebook, as I have said before all my "friends" are playing games and doing mindless activities. Finding hidden eggs, or collected treasure, as well as playing Mafia. I miss the friends during the beginning, when we did connect and talk. Now they have diappeared into facebook illusion of being nowhere. Love your writing my friend.

[Elizabeth Thomas]

Tim: I'm right there with you, but I think you're OK to join Facebook. It is quite different from MySpace and great for collecting all the cousins, or high school buddies in one place for all to reminisce. LinkedIn is for business networking and Twitter is strictly for marketing yourself or a product as far as I can tell.

I was on MySpace for about a minute, and found it a great place to find good music, but Facebook really does have many positives. Perhaps I'll write the flip side of that story in my next post. Thank you so much for the kindness you've shown here!

Betsy, I agree wholeheartedly that connecting in the Facebook way is better than not connecting at all. As I mentioned, I think there is a positive side to this story.

I'm thrilled to hear from you!

[Mike Browne]

Elizabeth,

Great insight. I have found I have re-connected on Facebook with old friends rather than meet new ones.

[Betsy]

Great food for thought about what we get out of our Facebook experience. I believe the essential experience is feeling connected as opposed to feeling isolated and alone. Some times just "being" together is all that is needed - just feeling one with our Facebook friends....

[Tim]

Elizabeth,
Your posts really touch deep into my heart, every single time I read any of your blogs I get goose bumps. As far as facebook being the new face of friendship, I hope not. I started myspace a few years back and then I re-connected with many people I grew up with. I saw pictures that jogged my memory. I love the fact that it did this, however, if I wasn't connected to them without the internet, would I ever be connected to them? Was it truly meant to be? I recently went to a seminar based on social networking and the gentleman was from Dell, he said Facebook is for getting POKED, and Linkedin and twitter is for marketing. I had to laugh at that, because it is true. It seemed no matter how many people I grew up with and connected with on Myspace some of the girls may have had an ulterior motive ;). I have not signed up for Facebook for that reason, to protect my relationship with my wife and children. I did sign up for Facebook using the company I work for and not for personal reasons. My friends are begging me to join lol. Keep up the great work!

[Elizabeth Thomas]

Dave,
You are so right. I was playing devil's advocate a bit here, as I actually have some great Facebook friends. Balance is what it's all about. Thanks for pointing it out.

[Dave]

Very insightful perspective on the direction of interpersonal communication. Our desire for more efficient time management has driven us to the place the writer illustrates here. Balance is key when utilizing the wonders of our technological lifestyles with the naturally occurring desire for intimacy.