(Blog-Off II Entry) Dignified Death

"Death is  not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us, while we live"  Norman Cousins

This summer I faced a very difficult visit with my friend, Amy, who was in the final days of living with breast cancer. It was a trip that I knew I must make. I had promised Amy when I moved from the East to the West, that would see her again before she left us all. To me, a promise is a promise, and I could not have rested until I held up my part of the deal.

Had I not gone, there would be so much I would have missed. I saw for myself the value of grief counseling. The grief counselors had done a wonderful job in preparing not only Amy for her death, but her husband and her daughter, as best they could, for their loss of a loved one. We talked about the check list Amy had on her mind and she had just ticked off the last task by showing her husband how to pay the bills that she had always taken care of.

The trip, albeit a sad and difficult one, showed me exactly what the documentary film "Pioneers of Hospice: Changing the Face of Dying" talks about so sensitively. Through hospice and grief and bereavement counseling, death is dealt with in a much more open and dignified manner than it was years ago.

I left feeling better about how Amy's survivors will go forward without her. Had I not gone to visit, I never would have known.

As I boarded the plane to leave, I couldn't help but think how silly was I to be afraid to fly alone for the first time, when Amy was not afraid to die.

Comments

[janeharris]

Sue, Thank you. I was certainly not in the first wave of hospice pioneers, but I was in the second wave of hospice pioneers in the U.S. We were a pilot of Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan(mandated at the automotive bargaining table by UAW) My personal fight was to get bereavement included.Tho the international principles of hospice care mandated bereavement to be included, the third party payers here did not want to include it. It warms the heart to hear the importance of grief counseling to be accepted and known. Good job, Sue. I had two good friends die of serious illnesses after the death of a child. In my mind unresolved grief was a contributing factor.

[Claudia]

Thanks for this. Surely at the end of life, relationships are what matter most, and you gave your friend the wonderful gift of not shrinking from a friendship with her even though it was difficult. Amen to your thoughts on hospice. I have lost loved ones both with hospice and without it. There is no comparison. We can only hope that hospice care becomes the norm whenever it is appropriate.

[Darlene Sabella]

What an awesome article, I could feel your heart as you wrote this post. I love the picture, I also lost my youngest cousin from cancer this summer and it makes me want to call her and talk to her. Thank you for sharing this private moment with us.

[Devon]

I feel like I can take a really great message from this, not to be afraid! Some times I feel hesitant to embark on a new experience by myself, but it's important to remember that death is the most personal experience a person could have. If we remember brave people like Amy then it will inspire us all to not to be afraid of taking on challenges alone. Also, to be courageous and ask others for help in a time of need. I'm sorry I never got to meet Amy.

[Devon]

I feel like I can take a really great message from this, not to be afraid! Some times I feel hesitant to embark on a new experience by myself, but it's important to remember that death is the most personal experience a person could have. If we remember brave people like Amy then it will inspire us all to not to be afraid of taking on challenges alone. Also, to be courageous and ask others for help in a time of need. I'm sorry I never got to meet Amy.

[Sue Leonard]

She was an amazing woman, with amazing spirit - throughout her illness, she was always more concerned about how others were feeling than herself. I had always been very uncomfortable around those with terminal illnesses and there was never a moment that I felt uncomfortable with her. She made it easy for me!!

My last visit was about 24 hours before she left us, and I didnt think she knew I was there. (she was on morphine) I was rubbing her arm and telling her what a good friend she had been. I went to leave and suddenly she tried sit up and she said very audibly "Where are you going?" Which throughout her life she always would say, if I left the room when she was in my presence. Then I knew, she knew I was there.

[Tim]

Sue,

Tell me what you and Amy did during those last few moments together, I am very intrigued by this post! I seldom wonder what things will I do if something were to occur like that, making the bucket list so to speak is hard for me at such a young age, there is so much I have yet to do. I'm 28 by the way. Kudos to you for standing by your promise.

Tim